Some years ago, while teetering on the edge of burnout and hysteria, I pursued an idea of absolute silliness: a version of Jeff Wayne’s The War of the Worlds rock musical/concept albums, adapted for the screen by The Muppets.
To be clear: The Muppets would never adapt H.G. Wells’ The War of the Worlds, let alone Jeff Wayne’s. It’s too adult, too scary, too goopy, too nihilistic, and most importantly, there’s no real lesson in the piece. The journalist is a largely detached witness to the end of humanity, an event which is only thwarted at the last moment by pure luck. Nobody learns anything, except that they now exist at the mercy of the Martians never trying that again. Not a very Muppety story.
And yet, I love The Muppets, and my mum’s habit of listening to Jeff Wayne’s The War of the Worlds on days when I was home sick from primary school have forever paired it with the sensation of my brain getting soupy. So I wrote the dang thing, and it worked. Not in the sense that I wrote a particularly good Muppet movie, but I had fun and avoided a nervous breakdown, and won a fan in my partner, who likes this best out of everything I’ve ever written.
He reminded me that this existed the other day, chuckling over it in the supermarket as I complained about people coming up with crap Muppet classics casting on social media (again), which led me to dig this out and reread it.
And it made me laugh. A lot. And on the off chance it makes anyone else laugh, here it is in full: Disney’s The Muppets’ Jeff Wayne’s Musical Version of The War of the Worlds.
DISCLAIMER #1: This is a fan script meant for entertainment purposes only. I do not own the rights to a single one of the many, many characters, people or properties featured.
DISCLAIMER #2: This is not perfectly formatted as a screenplay. Forgive me, SquareSpace has limitations.
DISCLAIMER #3: The Muppets are American, The War of the Worlds is set in England, and I’m Australian. God knows what English dialect this is written in, but please assume that any spelling that looks weird to you is probably fine somewhere.
EXT. SPACE - NIGHT
Stars glimmer at us from the vast expanse of space. A large RED STAR pulses, beautiful and ominous.
GONZO (V.O.)
No one would have believed in the last
years of the nineteenth century that
human affairs were being watched by
intelligences that inhabited the timeless
worlds of space.
We pan across the universe to another STAR: it twinkles merrily, tinged a hopeful BLUE.
GONZO (V.O.)
No one could have dreamed we were
being scrutinized as someone with a
microscope studies creatures that
swarm and multiply in a drop of
water. Few men even considered the
possibility of life on other planets. And
yet, across the gulf of space, minds
immeasurably superior to ours regarded
this Earth with envious eyes. And slowly,
and surely, they drew their plans against
us.
BUM BA BUM BUMMM…
Music: The Eve of the War begins with a bang, iconic strings hitting us like a punch to the gut.
The stars pulse to the beat as we roll the opening titles:
“DISNEY’S THE MUPPETS’ JEFF WAYNE’S MUSICAL VERSION OF...
THE WAR OF THE WORLDS”
The title is illuminated in a BEAM OF RED LIGHT, and dissolves into dust.
We traverse the gulf of space, racing toward the blue star as the opening credits roll.
As we get closer, the blue star loses its glow, revealing itself to be the most precious jewel in the galaxy:
EARTH.
As the music dies down, the blue planet is engulfed in the glow of white-hot fire.
We pull back to reveal:
INT. THE JOURNALIST’S OFFICE - NIGHT
The reflection of LAMPLIGHT in the beady eyes of GONZO THE JOURNALIST.
Text on screen: 12th August, 1897
The office is neat, orderly and lined with bookshelves. Framed newspaper pages hang on the walls and sit on the shelves, all featuring Gonzo’s byline.
Gonzo looks back to his typewriter, fuzzy blue fingers stabbing at the keys like a man thing possessed.
A tinplate photograph of CAMILLA THE CHICKEN watches him lovingly from the desk.
Something green GLITTERS in the night sky outside the open window. Gonzo looks over, narrows his eyes.
GONZO
What in the world...
He abandons his typing and moves to the windowsill, staring at a bright RED STAR.
It crackles and gives off a GREEN SPARK. And another. And another. Soon, green sparks fill the sky.
Watching them in awe, Gonzo moves back to his desk.
Without taking his eyes off the phenomenon happening outside, he rips the page he was working on from the typewriter and inserts a new one...
FADE TO:
INT. OBSERVATORY - DAY
Gonzo follows astronomer DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW-OGILVY through an observatory. Gonzo writes furiously in a reporter’s notebook.
GONZO
And you say these ‘gas eruptions’ are
coming from the planet Mars?
They come to a stop beside an enormous telescope. Bunsen’s assistant BEAKER peers through it.
BUNSEN
Just so! Hurtling across two-hundred-
million miles of void in our very
direction.
Gonzo stops writing.
GONZO
In our direction? You mean they’re on a
collision course to Earth?
BEAKER
(confirming)
Meep!
GONZO
And you’re not alarmed by this?
Beaker glances nervously at Bunsen.
BUNSEN
Not at all!
Bunsen bats Beaker out of the way and invites Gonzo to take a look through the telescope.
Gonzo peers through the lens. A multitude of beautiful GREEN PLUMES barrel straight toward the camera.
BUNSEN
The gas will burn itself out long before it
arrives. What we are witnessing now is
nothing more than a stunning
celestial display.
GONZO pulls away, unsettled.
GONZO
What if it’s not gas?
BUNSEN
(offended)
I beg your pardon?
BEAKER
Mee-mee meep?
GONZO
What if those green plumes are
something else? Something sent
from Mars?
BUNSEN
Sent?
Bunsen and Beaker share a startled look, then burst into laughter.
BUNSEN
(condescending)
My dear fellow, there is nothing living
on that remote, forbidding planet.
GONZO
That seems like a debatable fact right
now, Dr. Bunsen. My readers are frightened.
BUNSEN
Tell your readers this, Mr. Journalist:
Bunsen clears his throat, raises his finger:
BUNSEN
The chances of anything coming from
Mars are a million to one.
BEAKER
Meep mee-mee mee meep!
GONZO
I can quote you on that?
BUNSEN
I’d stake my career on it. A million to one.
Gonzo dutifully, if doubtfully, transcribes the quote.
EXT. OBERVATORY - DAY
Music: The Eve of the War swells again as Gonzo exits the observatory onto a beautiful green hillside.
He looks up at the green plumes, visible now even in the daylight. He’s worried, even if Bunsen isn’t.
Unnoticed by Gonzo as he walks back towards town, DR. TEETH and the ELECTRIC MAYHEM jam in the valley: the source of the music we’re hearing.
ZOOT plays a pan flute instead of his usual sax.
DR. TEETH
(singing)
The chances of anything coming from Mars
are a million to one he said.
Janice and Floyd wail on backup vocals.
DR. TEETH (CONT’D)
(singing)
The chances of anything coming from Mars
are a million to one. But still… they come.
ANIMAL
They come! They come!
EXT. OFFICE - NIGHT
Gonzo sits down to his desk with a glass of brandy. He picks up the photograph of Camilla.
GONZO
(wistful)
Oh, Camilla. We shouldn’t have-- (waited).
Gonzo’s brandy splatters across the photo as the earth JUDDERS and SHAKES under the force of impact! Frames fall off the wall. The glass of his window CRACKS.
And then, as suddenly as it began, everything is still.
Gonzo races to the window. The green plumes FILL the sky like static fireworks, ominously beautiful.
And there, some few miles from Gonzo’s window... a thick plume of GREEN SMOKE.
GONZO
(frightened)
A million to one...
NIGHT brightens to DAY, and still the GREEN SMOKE billows.
EXT. HORSELL COMMON - DAY
A beautiful park is marred by a wide CRATER. A large crowd of frightened yet intrigued people huddle some distance away: close enough to see, far enough to run.
Two old men watch on from the limb of a tree:
WALDORF
What do you think it is?
STATLER
A bomb!
WALDORF
I was asking about the martians, not the movie!
STATLER & WALDORF
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
As they guffaw, we move on to more concerned spectators:
BOBO THE BEAR
Someone should go on in there and take a look.
JEFF GOLDBLUM
You’re right. If this is a, uh, first contact
situation we’ll need a representative to
welcome the Martians to Earth...
As he speaks, SWEEDUMS puts his finger to his nose. Bobo follows suit, as does every Muppet/Human in the vicinity, including WILL SMITH. They look expectantly to Jeff Goldblum.
Jeff Goldblum realises his mistake.
JEFF GOLDBLUM (CONT’D)
Which seems like a job for a real
scientist. Where’s that little green
fellow who was quoted in the
newspaper?
The camera whips to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew-Ogilvy. He steps behind Beaker.
BEAKER
(distressed)
Mee?
Gonzo clears his throat, staring daggers at Bunsen.
CUT TO:
Beaker and Bunsen cautiously approach as the smoke begins to clear. Gonzo follows close behind with his notebook.
GONZO
This doesn’t look like mere gas, Dr. Bunsen.
BUNSEN
(nervous)
I believe it may prove to be a simple
meteorite, Mr. Journalist.
GONZO
Would you stake your career on that, too?
Bunsen’s non-existent eyebrows furrow at GONZO.
BEAKER
Meep-meep!
Beaker points into the crater. An enormous silver CYLINDER lies inside.
The top slowly rotates, emitting a horrible SCRAPING sound.
Gonzo and Bunsen’s disagreement is forgotten.
GONZO
There must be someone inside!
BUNSEN
We have to help him!
They rush forward, but are pushed back by an shimmering wall of HEAT.
BEAKER
(in pain)
Meep!
BUNSEN
It’s too hot!
They retreat back from the edge of the crater, staring at the moving cylinder.
GONZO
What could possibly survive that amount of heat?
BUNSEN
(stunned)
I... I don’t know.
The Electric Mayhem play from amongst the crowd.
DR. TEETH
(singing)
The chances of anything coming from Mars
are a million to one he said. The chances of
anything coming from Mars. Are a million
to one. But still… they come.
Yes, the chances of anything coming from
Mars are a million to one. But still…
they come.
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
GONZO sits in front of his typewriter and begins to write. The scraping sound continues, barely audible yet omnipresent.
GONZO (V.O.)
It seems incredible to me now that
everyone spent that evening as though
it were just like any other.
A TRAIN whistles gently in the distance. Gonzo looks to the window. The GREEN SMOKE is gone, but the plumes still fill the sky, painting it with soft green light.
GONZO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
From the railway station came the sound
of shunting trains, ringing and rumbling,
softened almost into melody by the distance.
It all seemed so safe and tranquil.
Gonzo returns to his typing.
EXT. HORSELL COMMON - DAY
A new day. The SCRAPING sound is overwhelmingly loud.
Gonzo makes his way through a crowd twice the size of the day before. He steps on a NEW YORK RAT.
RIZZO
Watch it, pal.
GONZO
I beg your pardon. Has anything new
happened since yesterday?
RIZZO
There’s about two feet worth a screw
showin’ from the lid of that thing,
but nothing else.
GONZO gives the rat a discerning look.
GONZO
(pointed)
You have a peculiar dialect for the 1890’s, sir.
RIZZO
And you have a peculiar nose for a
journalist, but do you hear me giving
you notes?
A SCREAM rends the air.
RIZZO
I do believe that’s your cue.
Gonzo rushes to the front of the crowd. The lid of the cylinder is askew, and a curly PINK ANTENNA emerges, followed by SPHERICAL EYES and a terrible, GAPING MAW.
Bunsen, Beaker and several other members of the crowd take several steps toward the edge of the crater, mesmerised.
BUNSEN
(awed)
A Martian!
Gonzo stares, too stunned even to write in his notebook. Rizzo appears at his side.
RIZZO
(aside)
I thought we lost the rights to those guys.
GONZO
(aside)
We’re not mentioning it.
RIZZO
(aside)
Gotcha.
A mechanical DEVICE rises from inside the cylinder.
BEAKER
(terrified)
Meep meep!
Bunsen peers at the device as the Martian begins to quiver and shriek.
MARTIAN
Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip...
BUNSEN
It’s trying to communicate!
Bunsen steps forward, arms outstretched.
BUNSEN
Welcome to Earth, my friend...
The device shoots a jet of fire. Bunsen is gone in an instant, leaving only SPARKLING EMBERS.
Gonzo and the crowd take this in for one horrifying moment.
BEAKER
(screaming)
MEEP!
The spell is broken. The crowd flees in every direction. Gonzo joins the screaming stampede, looking over his shoulder as he runs.
The device fires again and again. The air fills with smoke and embers as muppets, trees, and Jeff Goldblum disappear in flashes of light.
Rizzo passes Gonzo, shrieking as he flees.
RIZZO
When did we start making horror movies?
Rizzo disappears into the crowd.
EXT. HORSELL TOWN - DAY
Gonzo slows and looks back he reaches town.
The device is out of sight. Gonzo and the traumatized survivors of the crowd are safe.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Gonzo sinks to his chair and begins to type.
FADE TO:
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
Gonzo lies on the couch in a fitful sleep.
He is awoken by a sudden onslaught of noise: WHIRRING, HAMMERING, SLICING. He staggers to the window, where sparks of light come from the direction of the cylinder.
GONZO
That can’t be good.
EXT. HORSELL TOWN - DAY
The noise continues as Gonzo hands a coin to a NEWSPAPER RABBIT. The rabbit hands him a paper.
BEAN BUNNY
Here you go, sir.
The front page screams Gonzo’s own headline: “The Martian Terror On Horsell Common.”
Gonzo looks in the direction of Horsell Common, then to the Muppets going about their daily routines all around him.
GONZO
It’s strange, isn’t it?
BEAN BUNNY
What is, sir?
GONZO
A Martian vessel fell to Earth and used a
weapon beyond our imagination on us.
And yet, here we are, going on with our
lives as though none of it ever happened.
BEAN BUNNY
What else are we supposed to do?
GONZO
More than this, surely.
SAM EAGLE (O.S.)
Hup! Move along, there!
A large company of SOLDIERS march through the streets of Horsell town, making for Horsell Common.
Gonzo and the rabbit scurry out of their way.
BEAN BUNNY
It seems your question has been answered, sir!
A DECORATED COMMANDER leads the company.
SAM EAGLE
As you were, citizens! At ease! The
armed forces of these great United
States have the situation well in hand.
An ARTILLERYMAN waves at him from the back of a pony.
FOZZIE
(whispering)
Psst! Sam! I think we’re supposed
to be in England.
The Commander grimaces.
SAM EAGLE
Again?
(then, with effort)
As I was saying, the British army is here
to do a thoroughly third-rate job at
protecting you.
Gonzo sighs.
BEAN BUNNY
Everything all right, sir?
A new GREEN PLUME streaks overhead and CRASHES just out of sight. Muppets shriek as the earth SHAKES once more with the impact.
SAM EAGLE
Steady, men! We have our assignment!
The soldiers keep marching toward Horsell Common.
GONZO
(to BEAN BUNNY)
I suspect none of us are. You should get
home, boy. Or better yet, out of town.
BEAN BUNNY
(nervous)
I think you might be right, sir.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Gonzo closes his shutters and draws the curtains, muffling the sounds from the cylinder.
He looks to his photograph of Camilla, then pulls a LEATHER BAG from a shelf and begins to pack.
FADE TO:
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
Gonzo’s bag is packed and ready by the door. He pulls his latest article from the typewriter. He folds it and places it into an envelope when--
A DOOR CREAKS inside the house.
GONZO
(tense)
Who’s there?
FOZZIE (O.S.)
What’s brown and sticky?
Gonzo opens his office door to the Artilleryman. He stumbles inside, his fur matted and blackened with ash.
FOZZIE (CONT’D)
(weakly)
Me.
Gonzo rushes to help him.
GONZO
I saw you earlier. You were headed for
the cylinder. What happened?
FOZZIE
They wiped us out. Hundreds gone...
maybe thousands.
Gonzo pours the Artilleryman a drink. He accepts it with shaking hands.
GONZO
The Martians?
FOZZIE
They were in inside the hoods of
machines they made.
GONZO
They have machines?
FOZZIE
Massive metal things on legs. Giant
machines that walked. They attacked
us. They wiped us out.
GONZO
All that from just one cylinder?
The Artilleryman nods.
FOZZIE
And more landed today, with even
more passing overhead. They
looked bound for London.
GONZO
London?
GONZO looks to the picture of CAMILLA.
GONZO
My fiancee and her father are in London!
FOZZIE
I need to get there at once. I’ve got to
report to headquarters... if there’s
anything left of them.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY
Gonzo and the Artilleryman trudge along a road, Gonzo with his bag in hand. SMOKE and ASH fill the air.
FOZZIE
You wanna hear a joke?
GONZO
Is that really appropriate?
FOZZIE
I process trauma through humour.
C’mon, what do you call a bear with
no teeth?
He opens his toothless mouth and points.
FOZZIE
A gummy bear!
Gonzo looks to the horizon at a small TOWN, leaving the artilleryman hanging:
GONZO
Look, we’re close to Weybridge. We can
find out if there’s any news.
FOZZIE
Some people just don’t appreciate comedy.
EXT. WEYBRIDGE - DAY
Muppets and humans stare fearfully out of their windows as Gonzo and the Artilleryman walk the deserted streets.
GONZO
Do you feel that? It’s like a storm brewing.
FOZZIE
If the Martians are a storm, then they’re
planning on using bows and arrows
against the lightning.
He points to six GUNNERS with CANNONS stationed on a hill above the town. Gonzo’s eyes widen in excitement at the sight of them.
GONZO
Do you think they’ll let me have a turn?
FOZZIE
Now who’s being inappropriate?
The building beside Gonzo and the artilleryman glows red, then crumbles to ash. Everyone inside it, gone.
Muppets and humans pour screaming into the street from the surrounding buildings. Nowhere is safe. It’s pandemonium.
FOZZIE
Look! There they are!
FOUR FIGHTING MACHINES appear -- small metal chambers on THREE LONG LEGS. They tower over the town like silver spiders.
GONZO
(screaming)
The canons! Fire the canons!
FOZZIE
They can’t! They’re not in range yet!
A FIFTH machine appears, closer to Gonzo and the Artilleryman. A familiar device protrudes from the chamber.
GONZO
The heat ray! They all have heat rays!
The device FLASHES. A swathe of the panicking crowd are just... gone.
MARTIANS
(singing)
Yiiiip-yiiiip!
Gonzo looks between the unfired cannons and the fighting machines... and runs towards the cannons.
GONZO
Let me in there! I’m a journalist!
The gunner manning the closest cannon shrugs.
CRAZY HARRY
Whatever you say.
Gonzo grabs a CANNONBALL and climbs into the cannon. They EXPLODE in unison.
Gonzo cackles with glee as he soars through the air towards a fighting machine and FLINGS the cannonball at the heat ray!
It strikes! The other cannonballs hit the machine, sending it CRUMBLING to and CLATTERING to the earth as Gonzo lands unharmed in a river.
GONZO
Take that!
The crowds cheer... but not for long.
The other four machines turn on the cannons. The cheering turns back to screaming as the gunners are ERASED in an instant.
MARTIANS
(singing)
Yiiiip-yiiiiip!
FOZZIE
Run for your lives!
The Artilleryman disappears into the crowd of Muppets as they scatter and run.
Gonzo stays in the river, cowering under a FOOTBRIDGE as the machines advance.
He watches in horror as RUNNING FEET turn to EMBERS.
A RED BEAM sweeps across the stream, causing it to bubble and steam.
GONZO
Ahh!
He clambers onto the bank and falls helplessly at the FEET of a fighting machine! He stares up at it, terrified...
But the fighting machine walks on.
Seemingly the lone survivor of the ordeal, Gonzo watches in awe as the four machines leave the destroyed town behind them.
MARTIANS
(singing)
Yiiiip-yiiiip! Yiiiip-yiiiip!
Yiiiip-yiiiip!
EXT. ROAD TO LONDON - DAY
Gonzo fights his way up a road packed with refugee Muppets and humans, all walking in the opposite direction to him. They carry BOXES, BUNDLES and BAGS of their possessions.
Gonzo is empty-handed.
GONZO (V.O.)
For three days I fought my way along
roads packed with refugees, the
homeless, burdened with boxes and
bundles containing their valuables. But all
that was of value to me now was in
London.
EXT. LONDON RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY
Music: the melancholy flutes of Forever Autumn stir as Gonzo runs down a CRUMBLING residential street. A red-brick house stands in the center, mostly intact.
INT. HOUSE - DAY
Gonzo searches through the house.
GONZO
Camilla! Camilla!
The house, though scattered with white CHICKEN FEATHERS, is empty.
GONZO (V.O.)
But by the time I reached their little
red brick house, Carrie and her father were gone.
Gonzo sags, taking a photo of HIMSELF AND CAMILLA from a shelf.
GONZO
(singing)
The summer sun is fading as the year grows
old, and darker days are drawing near. The
winter winds will be much colder... now you’re
not here.
He walks into a pleasant back garden.
A wooden SWING hangs from an apple tree. A GHOSTLY vision of himself appears behind it, pushing his beloved CAMILLA.
CAMILLA VISION
Bawk!
GONZO
(singing)
I watch the birds fly south across the
autumn sky, and one by one they
disappear.
Gonzo approaches the vision, but it fades again. He sinks onto the swing, looking up to a sky smeared black and green.
GONZO
(singing)
I wish that I was flying with them... now
you’re not here.
The visions of Camilla and Gonzo return across the garden, cuddling close on a PICNIC BLANKET. Camilla’s FATHER, DAVE BAUTISTA, chaperones from a modest distance.
GONZO (CONT’D)
(singing)
Like the sun through the trees you came
to love me. Like a leaf on a breeze you blew away.
The vision fades.
Gonzo gets off the swing with a sigh and returns to the house.
EXT. LONDON RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY
Gonzo lingers in the doorway as he exits the house, watching a pair of dried LEAVES dancing up the street.
A vision of Gonzo and Camilla stroll after them, lost in their own world.
GONZO
(singing)
Through autumns golden gown we used to
kick our way. You always loved this time of
year. Those fallen leaves lie undisturbed now...
The visions fade again. Gonzo leaves the house, walking slowly and aimlessly up the street in their wake. He twirls a WHITE FEATHER between his fingers.
GONZO
(singing)
‘Cause you’re not here. ‘Cause you’re not here.
‘Cause you’re not here.
A FIGHTING MACHINE rises above the end of the street. One by one, the houses glow RED and explode into ash.
Gonzo runs. The white feather floats behind him, and glows RED.
EXT. COVENT GARDEN - DAY
Gonzo is swept into a frightened crowd moving swiftly down a narrow city street. He’s stuck beside an alarmed PIG.
GONZO
Where’s everyone going? Where is
there left to run?
LINK
The ocean! There are ships taking people
to the continent!
GONZO
Is it any safer there?
LINK
It has to be!
The pig is swept away. Presented with a glimmer of hope, Gonzo lets himself be swept along in the direction of the crowd.
EXT. OUTER LONDON - DAY
Gonzo plods with a growing crowd.
GONZO (V.O.)
As I hastened through Covent Garden,
Blackfriars and Billingsgate, more and
more people joined the painful exodus.
He searches the faces of the humans and Muppets around him...
GONZO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Sad, weary women, their children stumbling
and streaked with tears, their men bitter
and angry, the rich rubbing shoulders
with beggars and outcasts.
But there’s no sign of Camilla.
Gonzo plods on.
GONZO
(singing)
A gentle rain falls softly on my weary eyes
as if to hide a lonely tear. My life will be
forever Autumn... ‘cause you’re not here.
‘Cause you’re not here. ‘Cause you’re not here.
The camera pans up. Fighting machines, made tiny by the sitance, pick over the remains of central London.
Fighting machines loom in the distance, picking over the remains of CENTRAL LONDON.
MARTIANS
(singing)
Yiiiiip-yiiiiip!
EXT. LONDON BALCONY - DAY
The two elderly men from Horsell Common sit on the ornate balcony of a government building. The look down on a street empty but for the remains of DEAD TOM.
STATLER
Is it starting feeling unusually empty
around here?
WALDORF
Looks like the usual audience size to me!
STATLER & WALDORF
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
They continue chortling as the balcony glows red.
EXT. OUTER LONDON - DAY
An explosion goes up in Central London. The sad march of the crowd becomes a stampede. Humans and Muppets trample each other, trip over each other’s luggage, trying desperately to stay alive.
GONZO (V.O.)
Never before in the history of the
world had such a mass of human beings
moved and suffered together.
Gonzo stops to help a small, frightened GIRL to her feet. They’re pulled apart by the current of people before she can say thank you.
GONZO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
This was no disciplined march, it was a
stampede, without order and without a
goal. Six million people, unarmed and
unprovisioned, driving headlong. It was the
beginning of the rout of civilization, of
the massacre of mankind...
EXT. DOCK - DAY
An enormous STEAMER towers over a crowded ocean dock. The deck is packed with relieved Muppets and humans. The gangplank overflows - literally - with desperate would-be passengers.
A string of RATS triumphantly skip the line, boarding the ship via the RIGGING.
RIZZO’S 75th COUSIN
(laughing)
Suckers!
Gonzo climbs onto the back of a particularly tall HUMAN, using his hair to steady himself.
GONZO
(shouting)
Camilla? Camilla?
JASON MOMOA
Ow.
GONZO
Sorry, I’m looking for my fiancé...
JASON MOMOA
No problem, man, I’m all about romance. Just don’t pull so hard.
GONZO
Right.
(yelling)
Camilla!
JASON MOMOA
Camilla!
GONZO
Camilla!
CAMILLA (O.S)
Bawk?!
Gonzo looks to the steamer... and into the beautiful, dark eyes of CAMILLA!
GONZO
(shouting)
Camilla! You’re safe!
CAMILLA
Bawk! Bawk-Bawk!
Camilla begins to fight her way through the crowded deck, making for the gangplank. Dave Bautista follows her, but is swamped by Muppets.
DAVE BAUTISTA
(panicked)
Camilla! Don’t be a fool!
GONZO
(shouting)
Camilla, stay with your father!
Don’t get off!
He leaps off of Jason Momoa and makes for the gangplank from the other direction, but the crowd is too dense. He can’t make it.
CAMILLA
(distressed)
Bawk! Bawk!
Gonzo watches as she reaches the gangplank... just as it’s lifted away.
He lets out a breath of bittersweet relief.
GONZO
Thank goodness.
They look into each other’s eyes across the vast, hectic space.
GONZO
Be safe, my love.
CAMILLA
(distressed)
Bawk! Bawk!
Gonzo’s view of her is obscured as he’s swept back by the crowd. Gonzo closes his eyes and stops fighting. The crowd lifts him up, passing him back away from the dock.
GONZO
(singing)
Like the sun through the trees you
came to love me. Like a leaf on a
breeze you blew away.
The STEAMER sets out, churning through the ocean away from the shore.
GONZO (CONT’D)
(singing)
A gentle rain falls softly on my weary eyes
as if to hide a lonely tear. My life
will be forever Autumn… ‘cause you’re
not here...
Music: Forever Autumn transitions into a frantic revise of The Eve of the War.
There’s a scream from the crowd as a fighting machine appears on the horizon, long legs carrying it towards the sea.
Gonzo climbs onto the roof of the PORT AUTHORITY.
GONZO (CONT’D)
No…
Two more fighting machines appear, following the first. They step easily from the land and into the ocean, heading for Camilla’s steamer.
A NAVAL SHIP cuts through the ocean, positioning itself between the martians and the steamer. “THUNDER CHILD” is written on the side in vast letters.
GONZO
Thunder Child...
(gathering enthusiasm)
Come on, Thunder Child!
The chant ripples through the enormous crowd.
LEW ZEALAND
Yeah! Come on, Thunder Child!
MILDRED
Crush them, Thunder Child!
ANIMAL
Thun-der Child! Thun-der Child!
Wild, rapturous cheering erupts as the crowd pins their last hopes on this one, brave ship.
Music: The Eve of the War segues swiftly into Thunder Child.
DR. TEETH climbs up beside GONZO.
DR. TEETH
(singing)
There were ships of shapes and sizes
scattered out along the bay.
FLOYD PEPPER raises his voice and bass from the crowd.
DR. TEETH & FLOYD
(singing)
And I thought I heard her calling
as the steamer pulled away.
DR. TEETH
(singing)
The invaders must have seen them
as across the coast they filed. Standing
firm between them...
JANICE, ZOOT, ANIMAL, LIPS and ROWLF dot the crowd, instruments in hand, joining the backup vocals.
THE ELECTRIC MAYHEM
(singing)
Ooooh ahhhh!
DR. TEETH
(singing)
There lay Thunder Child!
Thunder Child cuts through the water, cannons blazing. Several cannonballs STRIKE the legs of a fighting machine, sending it crashing into the waves.
DR. TEETH & FLOYD
(singing)
Moving swiftly through the waters, cannons blazing as she came. Brought a mighty metal warlord crashing down in sheets of flame!
DR. TEETH
(singing)
Sensing victory was nearing...
DR. TEETH & FLOYD
(singing)
Thinking fortune must have smiled...
THE ELECTRIC MAYHEM
(singing)
Ooooh ahhhh!
DR. TEETH & FLOYD
(singing)
People started cheering...
DR. TEETH, GONZO & CROWD
(singing)
COME ON THUNDER CHILD!
DR. TEETH
(singing)
Come on Thunder Child!
Gonzo watches, exhilarated, as the martians fire on Thunder Child... and miss!
GONZO
Yeah!
Thunder Child fires again, hitting another machine without felling it.
Gonzo and the crowd’s joy turns to dismay as, in one coordinated movement, the fighting machines surround Thunder Child.
DR. TEETH & FLOYD
(singing)
Lashing ropes and smashing timbers,
flashing heat rays pierced the deck.
Dashing hopes of our deliverance as we
watched the sinking wreck. With the smoke
of battle clearing over graves in waves
defiled...
The machines fire. Embers glitter above the deck as the ship buckles and melts.
GONZO
(devastated)
No...
THE ELECTRIC MAYHEM
(singing)
Ooooh ahhhh!
DR. TEETH
(singing)
Slowly disappearing... Farewell
Thunder Child!
The band plays HARD as the crowd stares in horror at the sinking, smoking ship.
Gonzo looks away from it, staring to the horizon as Dr. Teeth cuts absolutely loose on the keyboards beside him.
There, small but intact, Camilla’s steamer escapes.
Gonzo takes a moment to allow himself the relief of knowing that Camilla is safe, as well as the pain of knowing he’ll never see her again.
The fighting machines turn their attention to the crowd. Gonzo makes a break for it over the Port Authority and down the other side. The rest of the crowd tries to run, but there are too many of them.
The Electric Mayhem play on through the slaughter, jamming as the world burns around them.
Gonzo takes one last look back at the horrible scene, then runs.
MARTIANS
(singing)
Yiiiip-yiiiip! Yiiiip-yiiiip!
Yiiiip-yiiiip!
EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAWN
Music: The eerie drone of Martian machinery and discordant piano.
Gonzo crawls out from a makeshift shelter, his eyes widening at the now VIVIDLY RED LANSCRAPE.
Every house, every tree is being strangled by RED WEED. Even the sky is red.
GONZO (V.O.)
The next day dawned a brilliant, fiery red,
and I wandered though the weird
and lurid landscape of another planet.
Gonzo starts walking.
GONZO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
The vegetation which gives Mars its red
appearance had taken root on Earth. As
Man had succumbed to the Martians,
so our land now succumbed to the Red Weed...
Music: The melancholy flute of The Red Weed.
Gonzo wanders aimlessly through the new world. He passes empty red towns; dried, choked rivers. Everything has been taken over by the Martians.
EXT. RED PARISH - DAY
At last, Gonzo sees movement through the window of the only house left standing in a sea of rubble.
He takes cover, only for a familiar rat to emerge from the front door with a PACKET OF POTATO CHIPS in his hand. He looks remarkably unaffected by the ordeal.
Gonzo runs to him, thrilled to see another living creature.
GONZO
It’s you! How are you still alive?
RIZZO
Rats thrive in times of turmoil.
Gonzo looks past him. The house is teeming with rats, who seem to have set up a new community complete with tiny stores and day-spas.
GONZO
I can see that.
A SCORCHED FROG in a PARSON’S ROBE staggers up the street and collapses.
RIZZO
Whoa. That is one fried frog.
Gonzo and Rizzo run to his side.
GONZO
Sir? Are you all right? Sir?
RIZZO
C’mon, your Frogliness, speak to us.
The frog opens his eyes.
GONZO
He’s alive!
The frog groans.
A modestly dressed, slightly disheveled PIG IN PEARLS runs up the street.
PIGGY
Kermie! Kermie, I saw the church
burst into flame! Are you all right?
GONZO
Do you know this man?
RIZZO
Frog.
PIGGY
He’s the pastor of our church. Oh,
Kermie, Kermie, please say something.
KERMIT
Don’t touch me!
PIGGY
But it’s me! Your wife!
Rizzo nudges Gonzo.
RIZZO
(low)
Sheesh, she really can’t get him to commit.
Gonzo breaks character with a suppressed chuckle. Piggy gives them both a filthy look.
Kermit has fully committed. The man frog’s a professional.
Music: The urgent bars of Spirit Of Man kick in.
KERMIT
No, you’re one of them! A devil!
GONZO
Did he hit his head?
PIGGY
Kermie, you’re delirious!
Kermit struggles to sit up.
KERMIT
Lies! I saw the devil’s sign!
RIZZO
I don’t like the sound of that.
PIGGY
What are you saying?
KERMIT
The green flash in the sky! His demons
were here all along, in our hearts and
souls, just waiting for a sign from Him!
And now they're destroying our world!
PIGGY
But they’re not devils, they’re Martians.
The sound of heavy metal feet approaches. Gonzo and Rizzo look up, worried.
RIZZO
We gotta get out of here.
GONZO
But there’s nowhere to go, except...
He looks to the rat-infested house. Rizzo blinks at him.
RIZZO
What, you need a written invitation
to rat town? C’mon!
Gonzo hoists Kermit over his shoulder. He and Piggy follow Rizzo.
INT. RAT TOWN - DAY
Piggy closes and bars the door as they rush inside.
RIZZO
Fighting machine incoming!
Evacuation stations!
YOLANDA
You heard him!
The rats abandon their newly built society and flock to a bunch of exit holes like, well, rats.
Gonzo sets Kermit on the floor and returns to the window. Piggy stays at Kermit’s side as three sets of metal legs walk slowly up the street outside.
GONZO
I don’t think it saw us...
MARTIANS (O.S.)
(singing)
Yiiiip-yiiiip!
PIGGY
Dear God, help us!
KERMIT
(shouting)
The voice of the devil!
Kermit pushes her away and sits like a frog possessed.
KERMIT
(singing)
Listen, do you hear them drawing near
in their search for sinners?
Gonzo and Rizzo exchange a look.
GONZO
Uh, I’m not sure now’s the time...
KERMIT
(singing)
Feeding on the power of our fear
and the evil within us!
YOLANDA
We got a live one, be ready to run on
my order!
KERMIT
(singing)
Incarnation of Satan’s creation of all
that we dread. When demons arrive
those alive would be better off dead!
Piggy takes hold of him.
PIGGY
(singing)
There must be something worth living for.
There must be something worth trying for.
Even some things worth dying for! And if
one frog can stand tall, there must be hope
for us all... somewhere, somewhere in
the spirit of man.
Kermit pushes her aside and joins Gonzo at the window. The fighting machine is still patrolling.
KERMIT
(singing)
Once, there was a time when I believed
without hesitation that the power of
love and truth could conquer all
in the name of salvation.
RIZZO
Buddy, we’re trying to hide from certain death here.
KERMIT
(singing)
Tell me what kind of weapon is love when
it comes to the fight? And just how much
protection is truth against all Satan’s might?
Piggy tries to pull Kermit back down to the ground.
PIGGY
People loved you. They trusted you.
They came to you for help.
GONZO
I wonder if you two might talk this
out later...
KERMIT
(fevered)
Didn’t I warn them this would happen?
“Be on your guard,” I said, “for the evil
one never rests.” But no, they wouldn’t
listen, and the demons inside them grew
and grew, until Satan gave his signal
and destroyed the world we knew!
Rizzo hefts a table leg and holds it over Kermit’s head, looking questioningly to Gonzo. Gonzo shrugs, unsure.
PIGGY
(singing)
No, Kermie. Oh, no, Kermie.
She stands, taking Kermit’s hand.
PIGGY
(singing)
No, Kermie, no, there must be more to life.
There has to be a way that we can restore
to life the love we used to know.
PIGGY & FEMALE RATS
(singing)
No, Kermie, no...
A trio of female rats break away from their evacuation places and accompany Piggy. Rizzo tries to intercept.
RIZZO
No, no, ladies, don’t encourage this.
PIGGY
(singing)
There must be more to life. There
has to be a way that we can restore
to life the light that we have lost.
GONZO
The machine’s coming back!
YOLANDA
Go! Go! Go!
The rats disappear out of the holes, leaving Gonzo, Kermit, Piggy and Rizzo alone in the house.
PIGGY
What about us?
After a moment’s hesitation:
RIZZO
There’s a basement. Follow me!
INT. BASEMENT/MUPPET SOUNDSTAGE - DAY/NIGHT
They follow Rizzo into a dark, dingy basement.
RIZZO
We should be safe here. For now.
GONZO
We? Aren’t you going with the other rats?
RIZZO
You seem like you could use level head
around here.
Gonzo is warmed, but the moment is ruined by a staggering Kermit.
KERMIT
(singing)
Now darkness has descended on our
land and all your prayers cannot save us.
RIZZO
It’s a basement, sir. A basement.
KERMIT
(singing)
Like fools we’ve let the devil take
command of the souls that God gave us!
Gonzo sighs and grabs a beam.
GONZO
(to Rizzo)
Here, help me bar the door.
RIZZO
Good idea.
KERMIT
(singing)
To the altar of evil like lambs to the
slaughter we’re led. When the demons
arrive the survivors will envy the dead!
Piggy’s attention is entirely on Kermit. She’s gunning for her Oscar -- best supporting, but it’s better than nothing.
PIGGY
(singing)
There must be something worth living for...
KERMIT
(singing)
No, there is nothing!
PIGGY
(singing)
There must be something worth fighting for...
KERMIT
(singing)
I don’t believe it’s so!
PIGGY
(singing)
Even some things worth dying for--
The basement SHAKES as something impacts overhead! Rubble dislodges from the roof, falling into the room!
RIZZO
What the heck was that?!
GONZO
Something landed above us! A new
cylinder, maybe.
KERMIT
And we’re trapped beneath it, in the pit!
Piggy, Piggy are you--
They all look. Piggy is pinned beneath the rubble. Her eyes flutter. Kermit seems to come to his senses for a moment.
KERMIT
Piggy?
He kneels at her side, brushing her hair from her eyes.
PIGGY
(singing, strained)
If just one frog could stand tall there
would be some hope for us all...
somewhere... somewhere in the
spirit of man.
She slumps dramatically. Nailed it.
Rizzo and Gonzo stare in horror.
RIZZO
Did she just die?!
Kermit lets go of her and looks to the ceiling. There’s a HOLE there, showing a GLIMPSE of the martians above.
KERMIT
(shouting)
Why? Satan! Why did you take one
of your own?
Gonzo clamps a hand over Kermit’s mouth and drags him away from the hole.
GONZO
I’m so sorry for your loss.
(to Rizzo)
Is there another way out of here?
RIZZO
Not for you.
Kermit’s muffled cries come from behind Gonzo’s hand. His green arms flail, but he’s too weak to fight him off.
GONZO
Then we wait for them to leave.
RIZZO
Okay. But if this movie gets any darker,
I’m out.
GONZO
You didn’t read the script again, did you?
RIZZO
Why? What does that mean?
GONZO
Never mind.
The light in the basement fades to night. Kermit, Gonzo and Rizzo sit against the wall, anxiously watching the hole. Kermit is still restrained, still muttering.
HAMMERING sounds can be heard.
GONZO (V.O.)
The Martians spent the night making a new
machine: a squat, metallic spider with huge,
articulated claws with a hood in which a Martian sat.
The light shifts back to day. Rizzo creeps inside with a few bags of CHIPS and passes them out. Kermit, now unrestrained, accepts his quietly.
GONZO
Did you see the machine?
RIZZO
Yeah, it chased some folks across
a field. It caught them and put them
in a basket on its back.
GONZO
What happened to them after that?
Rizzo eats a chip.
RIZZO
I don’t wanna know.
Days pass. The pile of chip packets grows.
GONZO (O.S.)
On the ninth day, we saw what
the Martians used their captives for.
Kermit, Gonzo and Rizzo stare up through the hole, aghast.
RIZZO
What the heck am I looking at?
We can’t show this to kids!
GONZO
We’re not. Our reaction conveys
the horror of what’s happening without
being explicit.
RIZZO
But now the kids are imagining
what’s happening, which might
be even worse!
SCOOTER (O.S.)
Actually, the latest numbers show that
our youngest fans are in their late thirties.
RIZZO
Seriously?
Kermit finally breaks character.
KERMIT
Scooter, we’re still rolling!
SCOOTER (O.S.)
Sorry, boss!
GONZO
(to Rizzo)
Why else do you think we’re making
a direct-to-the-imagination adaptation
of a seventies rock opera?
Piggy scrunches her nose in frustration as she lays in the rubble.
PIGGY
(muttering)
I will not break character...
I will not break character...
RIZZO
Shouldn’t we be making something
that attracts a new generation of fans
instead of pandering to a tiny subset
of our loyal but unprofitable fanbase?
GONZO
Sure. But this is more fun.
Piggy sits up, annoyed.
PIGGY
Do any of you bozos mind? Some
of us are trying to get the most
out of our death scenes!
RIZZO
Our death scenes? How many more are there?
GONZO
...You didn’t even read the scenes you were in?
RIZZO
I’m an improv guy.
KERMIT
Piggy, you should have left two pages
ago. Your character is decomposing
at this point.
RIZZO
She’s what?
PIGGY
Decomposing is serious work!
Where’s the director?
Gonzo, Kermit and Rizzo look to each other.
KERMIT
Uh...
GONZO
That is a good point. Shouldn’t somebody
have called “cut” by now?
The camera whips around to a MOSTLY EMPTY SOUNDSTAGE.
SWEETUMS holds a BOOM MIC. SCOOTER adjusts a laptop showing an EMPTY HOME OFFICE. TWO ACADEMY AWARDS sit on a shelf.
SCOOTER
(to the laptop)
Mr. Howard? Are you there?
(to the CAST)
Sorry, Kermit, I think he’s
wandered off again...
PIGGY
You mean I’m giving all of this
to a director who’s literally phoning it in?
GONZO
Technically he’s zooming it in.
KERMIT
Ron said he’d only take the
job if we let him work remotely.
PIGGY
That’s it!
Piggy throws tonnes of rubble aside as if it’s nothing.
PIGGY
Body double, you’re up.
She’s met by UNCLE DEADLY as she marches off set. He carries a fluffy dog and a bedazzled pink Stanley cup.
UNCLE DEADLY
You’ve outdone yourself again, Miss
Piggy.
PIGGY
I don’t care about outdoing moi. How
upset is Anne Hathaway going to
be when she sees this?
UNCLE DEADLY
Darling, she and Jennifer Hudson are
going to throw their Oscars in the
trash.
Piggy primps triumphantly in the reflection of a camera lense.
PIGGY
Good.
ANNIE SUE enters in an exact replica of Piggy’s costume, sans-pearls.
ANNIE SUE
Oh boy! I can’t believe I’m finally
gonna get featured screentime in a movie!
She lays down in Piggy’s spot and struggles to pull the rubble back on top of her.
We don’t see her again.
RON HOWARD returns to the laptop screen, scrolling on his phone.
RON HOWARD
We still rolling?
KERMIT
We could probably do with a cut and reset, Ron.
He leans back, pulling a cap over his face, clearly preparing to take a nap.
RON HOWARD
Whatever you want, Kermit.
Kermit looks to his scene mates.
KERMIT
Shall we, gentlemen?
JUMP CUT TO:
The scene is reset. Gonzo, Kermit and Rizzo stare up at the hole in the roof, aghast.
KERMIT
(shouting)
It’s a sign! I’ve been given a sign!
RIZZO
Keep your voice down!
KERMIT
The devils must be cast out, and
I have been chosen to do it! I must
confront them now!
GONZO
No, Parson!
Kermit pulls a crucifix from within his robes and holds it aloft.
KERMIT
(shouting)
Those machines are just demons in
another form! I shall destroy them
with my prayers! I shall burn them with
my Holy Cross! I shall --
The EYE of one of the NEW MACHINES presses against the hole. Two Martians are inside: one PINK, one BLUE.
GONZO
Get back!
Gonzo grabs Kermit and drags him towards the wall.
The machine disappears. There’s a moment of relief...
Until a METAL CLAW creeps in through the hole!
Rizzo leaps on Gonzo’s shoulder, the two of them huddling close as Kermit fights for freedom.
KERMIT
Let me go! Let me face them!
GONZO
You’ll solve nothing by sacrificing yourself!
KERMIT
I’ll save everyone!
With a burst of energy, he frees himself from Gonzo’s arms... and stumbles right into the grasp of the metal claw!
Rizzo retreats to a grate in the wall.
RIZZO
Sorry, Gonzo, this is way too much for
me. I’ll see you at the wrap party.
He scampers away, leaving Gonzo cowering against the wall.
Kermit brandishes his crucifix at the metal arm. It clangs uselessly against it.
KERMIT
(screeching)
BEGONE, DEVILS!
The claw tightens. Kermit gasps... and is pulled through the hole in the ceiling. Gonzo covers his eyes and curls into a ball.
Music: The Red Weed Part 2. A melancholy electric guitar warbles as day turns to night, night turns to day.
Finally, Gonzo looks up and creeps cautiously back to the hole in the ceiling.
EXT. RED PARISH - DAY
Gonzo’s head emerges from the rubble of the house. The Martians are gone. He’s alone again.
He climbs out and stands in the ruined town. He shields his eyes against a red sun.
GONZO (V.O.)
The day seemed dazzling bright after
my imprisonment. But, oh! The
sweetness of the air.
EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY/NIGHT
Gonzo is in CAMOUFLAGE: his BLUE NOSE and googly eyes protruding from a Gonzo-sized clump of RED WEED.
He continues his aimless journey through the ruined world.
Music: The ominous, melancholic instrumental ebbs into the alien trilling of The Artilleryman Returns.
GONZO (V.O.)
Once again, I was on my way to London,
through towns and villages that
were blackened ruins, totally silent.
He picks through blackened rubble that must once have been a town. He unearths a picture plate of a happy couple: WAYNE AND WANDA.
He sighs and puts it aside.
GONZO (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Man’s empire had passed away, taken
swiftly and without error by these
creatures. They never tired, never
slept, and never suffered.
Fighting machines and the new, scuttling HUNTING MACHINES traverse the landscape, visible in the distance.
Gonzo watches them, wary, but they don’t come close enough for him to run.
He pulls a can of BEANS from the rubble and continues on.
EXT. OUTER LONDON - DAY
London appears in the distance. Gonzo plods towards it.
The Artilleryman sticks his head out of a doorway. He’s covered in DIRT and gripping a SHOVEL as a weapon.
FOZZIE
Halt! Who goes there?
Gonzo puts his hands up in surrender. They are vividly blue against the red weed costume.
GONZO
Um... a friend?
FOZZIE
Be on your way, talking shrub! This is my territory.
GONZO
Your territory? What do you mean?
The Artilleryman lowers his shovel.
FOZZIE
Wait a second, I know you! You’re
the journalist!
GONZO
Good heavens. You’re that artilleryman
with the jokes!
FOZZIE
Thank you for saying that.
GONZO
I thought you’d surely burned!
FOZZIE
I thought you’d surely been splattered
against the hull of a fighting machine.
Come on in!
He signals Gonzo to follow him inside.
INT. ARTILLERYMAN’S HOUSE - DAY
The Artilleryman’s house is a mess of empty cans and food packets.
GONZO
Have you seen any Martians?
FOZZIE
(cheerful)
Oh, everywhere. We’re done for, all right.
GONZO
We can’t just give up.
FOZZIE
‘Course we can’t! It’s not the bear -- uh,
human way. It’s now we’ve got to start
fighting. Not against them, ‘cause we
can’t win, but for survival. I’ve got
a plan...
Gonzo looks skeptically around the messy house.
GONZO
What does this plan involve?
Music: The dramatic opening strains of Brave New World come out of nowhere, making Gonzo flinch.
FOZZIE
Look, they clap eyes on us, and
we’re dead, right?
GONZO
Right...
FOZZIE
So we gotta make a new life where
they’ll never find us. You know where?
He waits for Gonzo to guess.
GONZO
Is this the set up for some kind of punchline?
The Artilleryman is done with jokes.
FOZZIE
Underground! You should see it down
there. Hundreds of miles of drains,
pretty clean now that nobody’s using
the plumbing.
Gonzo’s struck by the idea. It’s not actually a bad one...
GONZO
You think we should move into the sewers?
FOZZIE
Think about it! It’s dark, quiet, safe.
We can build houses and everything
down there. Start again from scratch!
And what’s so bad about living
underground? Plenty of animals
do it!
Gonzo’s hopes begin to climb.
GONZO
How will it work? You’ll need men to
help you build it, people to populate it...
The Artilleryman doesn’t hear him. He walks to the window and looks outside at the red city.
FOZZIE
(singing sadly)
Take a look around you at the world we’ve
come to know. Does it seem to be much
more than a crazy circus show? But maybe
from the madness something beautiful
will grow... In a brave new world.
He looks to Gonzo, gathering steam.
FOZZIE (CONT’D)
(singing)
With just a handful of men we’ll start...
we’ll start all over again!
Janice wanders in, playing a slick guitar riff. Her clothes and hair are singed.
GONZO
Okay, so it’s you, me and this lady?
That’s a start!
FOZZIE
(singing)
All over again! All over again! All over again!
He’s sounding a little unhinged, but Gonzo keeps it real:
GONZO
I’m with you. What steps can we take to
achieve this?
The Artilleryman leaps onto a table, taken by his vision.
FOZZIE
We’ll build shops and hospitals and
barracks right under their noses... right
under their feet! Everything we need -
banks, comedy clubs, schools. Maybe one
day we’ll even capture a fighting
machine... learn how to make them
ourselves and then... WALLOP! Our turn
to do some wiping out! WHOOSH with
our heat ray! WHOOSH!
Okay, so he’s a lot unhinged. Gonzo’s hopes begin to fizzle.
GONZO
These are just nice ideas. Do you have a
plan at all?
FOZZIE
I’ve made a start already! Come down here
and have a look!
Gonzo and Janice follow the Artilleryman down a ladder...
INT. CELLAR - DAY
Into a wine cellar. A hole is dug into the side, barely three feet deep. Janice keeps playing guitar as Gonzo peers into it.
JANICE
The vibes in here are way off, my dudes.
GONZO
What is this?
FOZZIE
If my instincts are correct, there’s a
sewer in this direction. It’ll be settlement
number one!
GONZO
How long did this take you to dig?
FOZZIE
A week.
GONZO
So you’ll reach the sewer in four months?
FOZZIE
Two, with you to help me!
Gonzo looks pointedly to Janice. She’s still noodling on the guitar.
JANICE
Don’t get your hopes up, man.
I’m, like, a dreamer, not a worker.
GONZO
Right.
FOZZIE
I’m ready for a rest. Who’s up for cards?
JANICE
Ooh, are we doing Tarot readings?
Deal me in!
Gonzo watches in confusion as the Artilleryman pulls out a deck of cards and starts dealing out a game of Go Fish.
FOZZIE
(singing)
Take a look around you at the world
we’ve come to know. Does it seem to be
much more than a crazy circus show?
Gonzo backs away and scurries up the ladder.
INT. ARTILLERYMAN'S HOUSE - DAY
The artilleryman’s voice follows Gonzo as he runs through the house.
FOZZIE (O.S.)
(singing)
Maybe from the madness something
beautiful will grow...
EXT. CENTRAL LONDON - DAY
Music: The mournful Dead London plays as Gonzo staggers through devastated London.
Iconic buildings are blackened and throttled with red weed. Gonzo trips and falls.
MARTIANS (O.S.)
(singing)
Yiiiip-yiiiip!
Gonzo looks up. He can’t see a fighting machine.
GONZO (V.O.)
That sound. It seemed as if that mighty
desert that had once been a city
had found a voice for its fear and solitude...
MARTIANS (O.S.)
(singing)
Yiiiip-yiiiip!
Gonzo struggles to his feet and continues on, following the sound through broken streets...
GONZO (V.O.)
The desolating cry worked upon my
mind. The wailing took possession of me.
I was intensely weary, footsore, hungry
and thirsty. Why was I wandering alone in
this city of the dead? Why was I alive, when
all of London was in this state of black
shroud? I felt intolerably lonely, drifting from
empty street to empty street, drawn
inexorably towards that cry...
MARTIANS (O.S.)
(singing)
Yiiiip-yiiiip!
He continues his exodus through the abandoned city until a fighting machine comes into sight. It towers over the buildings, unmoving.
MARTIANS (O.S.)
(singing)
Yiiiip-yiiiip!
Gonzo makes for it. Another fighting machine stands nearby, still and silent. Gonzo pays it no mind.
He turns into a street. The fighting machine stands at the end of it, legs straddling the lane. Gonzo half-staggers, half runs towards it and stands in full view of the Martians in the cock pit!
MARTIANS (O.S.)
(singing)
Yiiiip-yiiiip!
Gonzo tears off his camouflage and raises his arms.
GONZO
(screaming)
What are you waiting for? Finish me,
like you finished all the others!
MARTIANS
(singing)
Yiiiiip-Yiii--
Gonzo’s eyes widen as the sound is cut off. He looks to the cockpit. The Martians are unmoving.
He looks around. There’s another fighting machine in the distance.
A swarm of RAVENS surround it, pecking at something through the BROKEN GLASS.
GONZO
(awed)
It couldn’t be...
EXT. HILL - DAY
Gonzo scampers wearily up a hill and looks down to a MARTIAN CAMP. It’s a GRAVEYARD of overturned machines and deflated Martians.
Gonzo laughs: a crazed laugh of disbelief.
Music: A triumphant reprise of The Eve of the War swells as Gonzo cackles.
EXT. MARTIAN CAMP - DAY
Gonzo crawls to a dying Martian. Its jaw flaps weakly.
MARTIAN
Yip... Yip... Yiiii... Uhhhh... huhhhh...
It deflates completely. Gonzo looks closer, pressing his eyeball to the Martian’s skin.
CRASH ZOOM TO:
GREEN MICROBES with GOOGLY EYES enthusiastically clog the Martian’s fur, singing their own version of the Martian’s colonising cry.
MICROBES
(singing)
Ooooooh-laaaaaa!
PULL BACK TO:
Gonzo, on his knees, a dead Martian in his arms, cackling like a madman.
GONZO (V.O.)
After all man’s devices had failed,
the Martians had been felled by the
humblest things upon the Earth:
bacteria. Minute, invisible bacteria!
Gonzo leans back to howl in crazed mirth at the red sky.
GONZO (V.O.)
As soon as the invaders arrived and
drank and fed, our microscopic allies
attacked them. From that moment...
they were doomed!
Behind Gonzo, a window opens and Zoot reappears with his pan-flute. Rats peep up from nooks and crannies.
Gonzo turns and walks back through London.
EXT. HORSELL TOWN - DAY
Gonzo arrives back in his home town, now dripping with red weed and scattered with the remains of fighting machines…
But not deserted.
Beaker, the newspaper bunny, a cohort of other Muppets and Will Smith work hard, pulling the red weed off the buildings, reclaiming the town.
GONZO (V.O.)
The torment was ended. The people
scattered over the country, desperate,
leaderless, starved... the thousands who
had fled by sea - including the one most
dear to me - all would return.
Gonzo rushes to join them.
GONZO (V.O.)
The pulse of life, growing stronger
and stronger, would beat again.
The town changes. The red fades, replaced with green grass. The buildings are patched, rebuilt.
Rizzo walks through the town, eating an apple, nodding approvingly at the change.
RIZZO
I told you it’d all work out.
INT. OFFICE - DUSK
Gonzo sits in his office, staring out the window to where the first cylinder fell. Marks criss-cross the walls where the red weed grew.
GONZO (V.O.)
As life returns to normal, the question
of another attack from Mars causes
universal concern. Is our planet safe,
or is this time of peace merely a
reprive?
Camilla the chicken enters. She gives him a fond nudge, nodding meaningfully to the beautiful blue sky outside.
CAMILLA
Bawk!
GONZO
Quite right, my love.
He leaves his typewriter and takes her wing, following her out of the office. We let them go, staying with the window as the sun sets and the stars prick into being.
GONZO (V.O.)
It may be that, across the immensity of
space, they have learned their lessons
and even now await the opportunity.
Perhaps the future belongs not to us...
but to the Martians.
A RED STAR glows brightly. Watching.
Waiting.
The Electric Mayhem assemble in the garden, all of them the worse for wear, but never beaten.
DR. TEETH
Everybody good?
ZOOT
As good as we’re gonna be.
JANICE
I’m ready to rock, Doc.
FLOYD
And I’m ready to roll.
DR. TEETH
That’s all that matters.
Count us in, Animal!
Animal counts them in with his drumsticks.
ROLL CREDITS.